Once in a while, I’ll make a ne
gative comment about my weight or my looks, say I’m too fat, and my sweet boys are always so quick to come back with a counter-statement.
“You are NOT fat!” Cuddle Bug will exclaim. But I am. Maybe not by some standards. But by my standards that I have for me, and only for me– I’m too fat.
“There are a lot of people a lot fatter than you,” Talker insists. That’s not really the point though. I’m not comparing myself to other people, only to me.
Yesterday was what we call “Daddy Day,” the every-other-Friday that we drive two hours to a half-way point where we meet up with my ex so the Tweedles can spend the weekend with their dad. It’s the first time in nearly 5 years of these exchanges that I refused to get out of the car. Why? Because I’m exactly what he used to tell me I was– a fat cow.
Three years ago, I was the fittest I had ever been. When I started this blog, I had just completed a local “Biggest Loser” competition. I didn’t win, but I completely transformed my body. I had muscle tone, I was jogging a 5K without stopping to walk. I could wear a strapless dress and feel confident. Today, I’m the heaviest I’ve ever been in my life (including when I was full-term with three pregnancies), none of my clothes fit me, save a couple of pair of yoga pants, and I get winded climbing a set of stairs. Maybe I’m not grossly obese at 190 pounds. But this is NOT who I want to be.
I sit here and write about being healthy and making healthy choices. Actually, I avoid writing, because I feel like a complete and utter fraud writing a fitness blog. I know how to get fit– I’ve done it before. But for now, I’m failing.
There have been a lot of excuses lately. My job has me sitting for 10-12 hours a day. It’s a great job, but I get up and start my day by 3am, and if I really bust my rump, I’m done by the time I leave to pick up my kids at 2:30pm. It’s exhausting. Couple that with helping tweedles with homework, making dinner, cleaning the kitchen, supervising baths, and maybe doing nothing at all for a few minutes- it’s really, really hard to work in some exercise, even if I did have the energy.
So, I end up overdoing it on the weekends. I just finished a 4-mile walk/jog. In a few minutes, I’ll do some weights, then maybe walk some more, do an exercise video. Some weekends when the kids are gone I spend most of the day riding my bike 30 miles or more. Still, the scale doesn’t budge.
I started this blog because I’m NOT a fit girl, but I was seeing results in spite of it. I was never an athlete, have never been thin. As a teen I was described as being “big-boned.” But I want to be one of the fit people. I KNOW what to do, know the right foods to eat, know how to do the exercises. Still, nothing changes. Not the scale, not my waistline.
So, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I can’t be that inspirational voice that I want to be. Sorry that I haven’t achieved by goals so that I can inspire you to do the same. How can I sit here and write about fitness when I look like a beached whale?
Something has to to change. So, I’m going to research, write about what I find, be really genuine about my screw-ups, and hopefully find a path to fitness along the way. If I find it, I’ll be sure to let you know.
Cheering for YOU!
Hey – you are doing good!!! I too have a long day “sitting” but… I am not getting in exercise like I should be! I appreciate your candor… keep writing about fitness – that helps us all!
I was right where you are about 6 months ago. I was at the heaviest I’ve ever been (and I’ve also had three boys…although, one was a twin pregnancy,) so uncomfortable, and just tired. My babies were three-years-old, so I didn’t have the baby weight excuse, but I was always finding something. Exercise alone never helped me. What did help was counting my calories. I had no idea I was eating so many calories a day….it was pretty crazy. However, I know you have to do what works for you, and you have to find your own motivation. If you ever need support, I’m here for you.